You've
found the love of your life. Now make sure that it's yours for the rest of you
life with these ten easy steps.
1. Be
Kind. Kind seems a light-weight sort of word, but unlike love, it's a word we
all understand. Kind is feeding a stray cat, or giving a complete stranger a
helping hand. Its greatness likes in the fact that you don't have to do it,
it's not required by law that you do it, it's not a matter of politics, or
religion that you do it. You do it out of the fullness of your heart. You could
say, kindness is love in action.
2. Be
nice - in the old-fashioned way - that is don't be crude, rude or obnoxious. As
my neighbour used to tell her two daughters, a dirty, slovenly, foul-mouthed
young man will become a dirty old man - only more so. I guess that goes for the
ladies too.
3. Don't
enter a partnership with the idea of improving him or her. It's hard enough for
you to ensure that you become everything you want to be, without doubling up on
the job.
4. Be
yourself. Tricky that. One person who was himself with a vengeance was
Socrates. He used to run around Athens day in and day out, being a great
philosopher. Mrs. Socrates, in the meantime, used to run behind him screaming,
'For crying out loud, Socrates, get a job! Your kids are starving and my taking
in neighbours' washing isn't cutting it.'
Socrates
was being himself, but as a husband and father, he sucked.
Think of
yourself on your own as a circle. When you're in a relationship your circle
intersects with your partner's circle. There is still a lot of circle that is
you as an individual, but that intersected bit has to be both of you. Here is
where you negotiate, mediate and accommodate each other. Here's where your life
together takes precedent over your life as yourself.
5. Be
honest. This is another tricky one. Tolstoy, on his wedding night, gave his
very young bride his diaries. Here she learned of his life up to date, which
included numerous interactions with women, one of whom still lived and worked
on his estate, and was looking after a little Tolstoy they had produced some
years back.
I wonder
how he would have reacted if his bride had returned the favour by giving him
her diaries which included her goings on with the butler and their little
offspring.
The moral
of the story? There's honesty and there's ego tripping. There's honesty which
enlightens your relationship and there's honesty which makes you feel better by
dumping your undesirable actions for your partner to carry.
6. Do
things together and apart. Don't give up all your friends and activities you
enjoyed as a single person just because you are now in a relationship. Ideally,
you'll be making new friends and taking up new activities as a couple. But as
the wise man said, it's nice to make new friends, but even nicer to still keep
the old ones.
7. Have
things in common. Opposites might attract, but as an ongoing thing, it's
hard-going. The Victorian marriages, where men and women had little chance of
getting to know each other until they were married, were imbued with boredom at
best, and a lot of unhappiness at worst. Both partners had to get along with
someone they had no understanding of.
No wonder
George Osborne, in Vanity Fair, complains five minutes into his Honeymoon, that
he's bored out of his skull with his sweet Amelia.
There are
a lot of things that go into a happy, healthy relationship. Common interests
and common backgrounds make a good start.
8. Fight
Fair Fight about what you're fighting about. Don't bring up every other
argument and disagreement you've ever had. Just agree to resolve this particular
problem only. And while doing this remember that not all arguments are worth
winning.
Even the
best military strategists knew that sometimes retreat was the better strategy.
Don't set up to win every battle, only to find that you've lost the war.
9. Forget
the words 'always' and 'never'. Nothing is so annoying as being told, 'You
always do that', or 'You never do this'. Let's face it, in real life, that is
simply not true.
However,
if in fact your partner never does what he or she should, or is annoying you by
always doing what he or she shouldn't, why are you still in a relationship with
this person? Get a life!
10. No
ultimatum. If you value your partner or your relationship, don't ever issue an
ultimatum unless you're prepared to live with the worst scenario. An ultimatum
to a relationship is as a red rag to a bull. It makes your partner see red.
Of
course, if you've been trying to get rid of your partner, and so far your hints
have been falling on deaf ears, you might need something less subtle, like an
ultimatum to get him or her out of your life.
