Celebrant, Vlady Peters, Redcliffe, Qld.
Blue Moon - Lee Child
Let me expound a little. Have you heard about the money-lender of the shady-character type? You know the kind who will lend you the money but is likely to hurt you if you don't pay it back? One imagines that his business is making money - the unpleasantness is only if you default. So presumably he needs some reassurance that you will be able to repay him - somehow. Not this lender. He will lend money to anyone – even if it's obvious that the borrow hasn't a chance in hell of paying it back.
Then a phone call from a medical place – probably around midday – to say there's a bill needs to be paid. By the end of the day. And it's only $40,000.
Then there's this really, really bad guy who's gone into hiding. He's somewhere in an ivory tower whose existence no one seems to know. Hidden somewhere where he never comes out he is guarded day and night by some seriously unpleasant characters.
Despite all odds Reacher – with a little bit of help from his friends – logically works out his domicile. There's pages of reasoning how and why the person is to be found in a particular place. This, I think is known as 'blinding with science'. A lot of words, seemingly making sense, but telling you nothing.
Needless to say, despite all the guards and all the precautions the nasty man is found. People are shot or killed by Reacher and friends with less compunction than most of us would have spraying a bug to death, bodies piling up as you watch. No one around to care. In fact, the lack of other people – besides the baddies – makes you wonder where is this place? In the middle of a desert somewhere?
I could go on, but the piece de resistance is where the bad guys' thirty-three million dollars – just sitting in easily accessible bank accounts - are transferred to the poor couples' zero dollar account.
The writing style is still the sharp short-hand, but the way of the plot and resolution is improbable. implausible, impossible, impractical, immoral. Really an insult to the reader.
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Did I read that sign right? "TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR
BELOW." ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------ - In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL
YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT. ------------------------------
------------------------------ ----------------------------- In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS... ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------- In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN. ------------------------------
------------------------------ --------------------------------- --------------- In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD. ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------
------------------------------ -- Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS... ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------ Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR. ------------------------------
------------------------------ --------- Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR. ------------------------------
------------------------------ -------------------------- Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. ------------------------------
------------------------------ -------------------- Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU
HOW TO GET LESSONS. ------------------------------ ------------------------------
----------------------- On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE
DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.) ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------
--------------------- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------
--------------------- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------
--------------------- Miners Refuse to Work after Death ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------
--------------------- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant War Dims Hope for Peace ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------
---------------------- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last
Awhile ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------
---------------------- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------
--------------------- Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect
Homicide ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------
-------------------- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------
-------------------- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------
-------------------- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group ------------------------------
------------------------------ ------------------------------
-------------------- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft ------------------------------
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-------------------- Connect with Me |
Separating Yourself from other Celebrants
1. Have you studied public speaking, taken drama classes or singing lessons? All these are some of the talents which other celebrants won’t have.
2. Have you studied law, or languages or done volunteer work? These are some other talents which can differentiate you from other celebrants.
3. If English is your second language,
you might be just what your compatriots are looking for. Not only will you be
able to conduct a ceremony in a language which all of their guests will
understand, you might offer to be a translator for other officiants who are
associated with couples using your language.
4. Celebrants who are parents or grandparents might have a natural affinity for ceremonies dealing with children.
5. Officiants who themselves have enjoyed long, happy partnerships might look to attract couples celebrating their renewal of wedding vows in as part of their wedding anniversary celebration.
7. If you’re young and exuberant, the younger clients might love your energy.
8. If you’re an older, more sedate person, clients might enjoy your unflappability.
9. As a retiree, your accessibility might be a real plus for the client who is tired of talking to the answering machines of celebrants who are in full time employment and never home.
When thinking of advertising yourself as a celebrant, keep in mind what the client is after. This will include:
1. What will the client receive from you that he won’t receive from other celebrants?
2. What are some problems associated with the particular event that you have the answer for, and for which other celebrants don’t?
3. How can they tell that your fee is based on value for money and not just a figure that you’ve pulled out of a hat?
4. Why are your fees so much lower or higher than those of other celebrants?
Other things, which will go towards the image you want to project, are the physical attributes that the client will experience when he contacts you. This will be:
1. How you sound answering you phone. Are you friendly and interested in what the client has to say? Do you come across as a helpful and caring person? Do you inspire confidence by understanding what your responsibilities as an officiant are?
2. What your recorded message on your answering machine suggests. Is the message clear and concise giving options to the client as to how he can contact you in the future without wasting his time ringing over and over again? Are you prompt in returning the call?
3. The quality and professionalism of any printed information you send out to the potential client. Do you work towards making your printed material memorable by using a particular theme or logo for your letter heads, business cards and leaflets or brochures? How about colour-coordinating every bit of paper you sent out, including the paper clip you use to keep the pages together?
4. Delivering on your promise. Are you careful about promising to do things for clients in a certain time only if you know you can do it, so that they’re not waiting for information brochures or kit for weeks, instead of the day or two you told them?
5. The way your office – home or otherwise – looks from the street, front door, and inside. Are the surrounds neat and tidy and your entrance inviting? Are any pets kept away from the gate so that your client doesn’t have to fight his way to your door? Does your interview room smell fresh and look inviting with fresh flowers or other indication of a welcoming attitude?
6. If you use a door bell do you answer it promptly instead of having your client kicking his heels on the doorstep wondering whether he’s come to the right place?
7. How friendly you are in all your communication by phone, printed material and in person. Do you try to make all your communication personal as well as presentable and professional?
8. How organized you sound, look and act. Whether on the phone or at the interview, do you make sure that you have everything at hand that you need?
9. Your standard of dress. Are you aware
of your client’s expectations as to how you should dress? Have you taken the
trouble to see how other celebrants dress and handle themselves? How do you
want to be perceived by your clients in terms of how you dress?
Extract from How to be a Profitable Celebrant
