THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE AT ITS BEST

 

Did I read that sign right? "TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW." ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ - In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------------- In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS... ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------- In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------------------- --------------- In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS... ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------ Spotted in a safari park:        (I sure hope so.) ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------- Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------- Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------- On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)  ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Miners Refuse to Work after Death ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant             ----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------- War Dims Hope for Peace ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Connect with Me Amazon Author, Vlady Peters Smashwords Author, Vlady Peters Blog – Author Celebrant Vlady Peters Twitter – Celebrant Author Vlady Peters Linkedin – Vlady Peters, BA, JP, CMC Goodreads – Author Vlady Peters YouTube – Wedding Plus Honeymoon Australian Author - Vlady Peters Email – bestceremony@gmail.com